01/10/2016 (Sunday 3am) – Why are men such a***holes?
Why does he continue to drive the screwdriver, knife, into my heart. The pain. The hurt. The deceit. The disappointment, more in myself – than anything else. Why do men lie?
To me, it is close to being a lie. Being deceitful. To him, it was him leaving out the “unimportant stuff”.
What constitutes a lie?
“A lie is a statement that the stating party believes to be false and that is made with the intention to deceive.”
So, if he didn’t actually tell me about it (yet), or made any statement for that matter because he considered it to be “unimportant stuff” – does that still constitute as lying?
How it hurts
…….when you sweep the “unimportant stuff” under the carpet.
I know that I am supposed to project this amazing, happy, strong, confident woman at all times. I know my brand, my business is all about projecting this happy, ‘the world is great’ image.
And I really probably shouldn’t be writing or talking about anything that’s, god forbid, “not happy” because it wouldn’t be “on brand”.
But you see, how am I supposed to do that when the person who is supposedly closest hurts me so?
How am I supposed to stay positive AND give positive when the person supposedly closest to me is draining it like a siphon?
I used to be the cynical. He was the optimist. I always told him that he is not an optimist – more an idealist. And I was the realist.
I was never really sure we would be a good match because of that.
“So what happened?” You ask.
If you are a guy, or a “bloke”, 99% chance you’ll probably say “Oh come on, its not a big deal, honey.”
I am curious, if you are a woman, what you would say?
Curious if I am indeed making a mountain out of a molehill or if this is a fundamental challenge that we women have with men.
THIS is why I decided to write this and share. THIS is why I decided to so-called “air my dirty laundry” in public – because I am fed up of the internet being full of self-help, self-improvement, motivational, my-life-is-so-perfect sort of stuff.
Often from a male’s perspective.
I personally think that people do not talk and share enough about the trials and tribulations of a marriage.
And in my culture, we women are supposed to just “suck it up”.
So.. back to what happened.
We, i.e. me, the kids and the helper/nanny were leaving Wednesday to spend some time with the grandparents in Malaysia. He planned drinks for Friday and an outing with his buddy on Saturday but had no courtesy or mind to tell me about it.
Because “its not that important” to him. A “small detail” that he felt should not feature in our weekend or important communication channel.
I found out by accidentally seeing the conversations in his WhatsApp (with him next to me, so no, i wasn’t sneaking around).
Problem is, I had a sneaking suspicion that he would be doing this. Lining up stuff on the weekend to make use of us not being around. I don’t have a problem with that.
Problem is, I had this little voice telling me this would happen i.e. – IF I didn’t ask him what plans he had up front, he wouldn’t be telling me about it until….say, the day before.. casually in a conversation (if i’m lucky) or whatsapp in the manner of “oh, by the way“. Like its not a big deal and he forgot to mention it when he planned it a week or weeks ago.
Problem is, he then would not get why I would get apesh*t crazy mad because of the fact that it would look bloody dodgy that it looked like he deliberately did not want to tell me this when I was around in order to “avoid the wife having a problem with it”.
Not that I would have IF he told me about up front, like when he was PLANNING IT. Just so I know what his calendar looks like. Just so I know.
The Problem is….
Problem is, he’ll say that it is not like that and I’m blowing this out of proportion.
Problem is, I chose to ignore that voice and give HIM the benefit of the doubt that he would have the courtesy to tell me about his plans during when his wife and kids are away.
Problem is, he announced to me out of the blue earlier today, that he had a haircut appointment on Thursday and I thought “Ok, ….thank you for that piece of information. So…?”
Problem is, it stopped there. It stopped just at “I have a haircut appointment on Thursday” and did not go on to mention about Friday.
Problem is, he f***ing organised this on Saturday morning – and had the whole f***ing weekend to tell me about it. But he didn’t.
Do you see the problem?
Or am I the only one with the problem?
Please tell me because I would really like to know if this is an isolated issue I have in my relationship or is it a general “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” thing.
Why do men lie?
Oh, he claims he wasn’t lying (because I guess, afterall, by not saying anything – you haven’t lied). He simply thought “Its not that important”.
Nothing is ever important. That’s the problem.
Except maybe….I don’t know …..
I think even if he found out he had cancer, it still wouldn’t be important enough to tell me about it UP FRONT.
Instead of slipping it into some casual/mundane/ parenting vs kid kinda conversation in a “Oh, by the way” sort of way.
My whole relationship feels like a lie. Like a “not very important” lie.
Nothing is important enough to talk about. Not financial matter. Not activities planned when wife and kids are away. Not drinks with colleagues. Because its just not that important.
How do I find my happy now?
How do I stay upbeat and positive about what I do when the person who supposedly loves me the most just finds me “not very important”?
He tells me he now knows what he has done wrong. He simply had to turn off this filter in his head that apparently filters out the “not very important” stuff.
He simply had to turn it off and start telling me everything. Every detail of his life.
I am not asking for “every-single-detail”.
I am simply asking for the courtesy and respect to communicate your plans with your partner, wife, best friend, when you make them – particularly when they involve or actually, in this case, do NOT involve her because she is away busy looking after the kids’ happiness.
Irony is, my father will probably laugh at this and tell me its me.
He’ll probably say what he always said to me when I was in my 20’s, having problem with men who go stripclubs or karaoke bars, that “Women don’t need to know so much when it comes to men stuff”. “Sometimes women just need to shut one eye.”
I wish I could. Really.
But I was never born that way.
Just like I was never born to lie about my results when he wanted me to. I hate lying as much as I hate turning a blind eye or closed mouth to anything that concerns my soul.
It has been a while since the author has written to her Diary.
The last Dear Diary entry was unfortunately also about an unhappy episode. She wishes she has more happy to share with her Diary. Till next time.
Thank you for listening.